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I have PMS depression. And I’m sure that’s a thing. I can Google it. But I won’t bother. I know, now, that MOST of the things that we feel are uncommon aren’t uncommon.
Basically, that essentially bursts my bubble of feeling special. Also, that makes me way more accepting of my issues and feeling increased comfort to be discussing and trying to resolve it. The mere sense of acknowledgement of such sensations that we cycle through is in itself so relieving. It’s like the resistance portion is alleviated and the effort and attention can be used for being at peace with it and helping myself with it.
A major challenge is feeling torn between the two states: (1) trying to feel unimpacted if loved ones refuse or fail to understand me and (2) going through intense lonely feelings upon realizing that they aren’t understanding me. How do you answer questions like, “Why ?”, “What happened?, “Oh, you should be happy. You have everything.”, etc. It hurts when my close ones feel offended and turned off with my moods. Again, a part of me could not care less. Yet, a part of my heart is ripped away each time that they walk away. It’s like I need them, I need them oh so much. But then, I can’t find the words to ask them to stay.
So, I write. I write in the hopes that someone could understand me. But, I feel, that someone is me. When I write, I understand me a bit more. It does not lessen the depressed state when I’m in it. It just gives a clarity that’s comparable to a soothing heat pad to let go of the internal chaos.
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It happens when I finally retire to the soft folds of my bed at night. When I just let gravity take care of my physical and mental weights. They reek out from both sides under my body like climbers and vines creeping up in view. I have no choice but to face them. The negativity dares to climb upwards and form a network of their own, penetrating my tree of life. It’s then, that I just fall asleep, too tired to make any logical sense of any of it.
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I pulled out the book I’d been reading, The Origin by Dan Brown, in my short train ride. Shortly, as I continued to read, something felt as if tugging at me for attention. I tried to ignore it and pressed myself to focus on the book. Then, I decided that I better listen to this thing. I put the book away. Closed my eyes. And started looking for the thing calling me out. And I had the most incredible experience. I saw or imagined that I was in this infinite space with a butterfly net, all ready to catch that idea or question or concern or whatever it was that was calling me and resolve it. It didn’t come to me during the short, ten-minute ride. But, what I realized was that the whole space is inside me. Either inside me or that I’m connected to it simply by closing my eyes and honing my focus and have such an easy access to it. That space that I was viewing felt so at home. So natural and there was no level of fear or hesitation to be there. Just a deep reverence that I have had this power all this time and never really access it. So amazing.
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Have you ever said to yourself this: “Thank you. Not you, the physical body. But you, the you. The true you. For doing everything that you do. For managing. For trying. For surviving. Thank you. For everything.”, “I love you. I accept you. For all that you are.”, “I’m sorry. For all the carelessness that I inflict on you.”, and “Please forgive me. Forgive all my carelessness towards you, your true desires, your true feelings, for not coming through with my words of commitment to you.” I did. Today. As I showered and forced my thoughts to really focus on every part of my body as I lathered it. And, at the end, I said those four things. I said them with the deepest and purest meaning that I could consciously afford. And the “Thank you” made me almost teary. It made me realize how much I have neglected and been ungrateful to myself. And that’s why, somewhere or the other, I stay so insatiable from my outer world and the people in it. Because I myself haven’t genuinely been nice to myself. Hence, I crave it all that much. No commitment is truer than a true one to yourself. It needs no vocalizing. It needs no parameters of anyone but yours.
When I looked myself in the mirror, all of my face full of hair needing waxing and threading, and all the little shower droplet diamonds studding my beautiful, thick, black braid that’s the envy of a lot of women I know, I told myself that I will fix it all. I will do it. Applying coconut oil on my feet which are now not that dry, but sore due to a recent sprain, I thought I’ll work on one issue at a time and fix it all. Just like I have so far fixed the clutter scenario of our clothes, the shoes of our house, our drawers with their stuff, the suitcases of the house and our cables. Going strong. I’ll handle one issue at a time at the most root level and resolve it for the best.
Image courtesy: Alisa Anton at Instagram.com/alisaanton, https://unsplash.com/@nbb_photos and alisaanton.com
What gives me pleasure? Any of these please you too ?
- A grey, gloomy snowy day off. Tucked in a cozy throw and watching videos all day long. Comforting movies, perhaps, with socks on and a hot cocoa mug on my bedside table.
- On a thunderstorm day, getting completely drenched in the rain. Then, eating hot pakoras* followed by tea. Watching rain from the window. Observing the raindrops dripping from the leaves. Smelling the sweet smell of earth when it stops raining.
- On a pleasant summer day, sitting on the front or back porch, blowing soap bubbles. Just soaking the sun and the green grass as I walk bare feet on the fresh grass. Observing bubbles until they either burst or disappear out of sight.
- Sitting at peace with mom, dad, hubby, and sis, when no one is rushing away from the spot (for a change). Spending quality time where there is carefree laughter about anything and everything. Where there is absolutely no family disputes. No calling names. No undercurrents of hostility of stale family feuds. Just bliss.
- Getting absolutely drunk with close friends and walking outside carefree. Being able to rely on them to always be around me to keep me safe. Laughing at anything and everything.
- Creativity outbursts where I forget to eat or drink and create mini masterpieces of visual or written art. Having intense inspirations and focus to be able to create something.
- Elaborate brunches made by me for myself and others. Having an abundance on the breakfast table. Making it appealing, healthy, as well as yum.
- Going for long walks with hubby. Anywhere. Everywhere. Holding hands. Hiding a hand in one of his jacket pockets. Feeling out of this world connection. Trusting his directions. Just enjoying togetherness and the reassurance feelings at the back of my head that he will always be mine and by my side.
- Lying in the grass under a tree. With the sun falling through the leaves on my face. Enjoying a break from the walking and the cool grass underneath me. Staring at the blue skies. Forgetting the dimensions of the crazy busy world for some moments. Stretching those moments as long as I want as I get absorbed in the simple yet magically still and magnificent nature above me.
- Staring at the point of Niagara Falls where the water is just starting to fall down. Looking at the intensity of the speed of the water. Getting lost in that powerful visual and the amazing colours it has to offer.
- Hanging laundry to dry out in the sun. Taking my time to arrange the clothes evenly. Feelings of satisfaction that the clothes will get real sunlight for a change. Loving the look of the clothes lines filled with clothes surrounding me. Studying or reading sitting in there; a make shift fort of drying clothes ! Taking them off and folding toasty, warm clothes myself. Enjoying the fresh, clean laundry detergent smell and the feel of warm clothes against my face and hands.
- Watering plants. Growing random seeds of pulses or such and observing each day the growing tender shoots. Waiting for that first bud and getting excited as it produces the first bean with tender pulses (bean seeds).
- Having coffee over a conversation. In my favourite mug. Or favourite coffee shop. Just a lingering conversation and enjoying every sip of the hot beverage. The smell and taste and the notion of coffee.
- Sitting on a table that is beside a window. Just full of pillows and a book. Or no book. A hot drink. Just feeling cozy in a comfortable throw or blanket. Enjoying the view outside. Just having my own little fluff corner.
- Going for brunches. Enjoying healthy portions that they typically offer. Coffee. Toast. Pancakes. Omelettes. Meat. Fruit. Taking my sweet time to enjoy it all. Feeling connectedness with my companion/s while we savour the breakfast.
- Beaches. The feeling of waves washing away my sand covered body.
- Staring out the window seat whenever traveling by car or bus or plane or train. Just staring at nothing in particular. Enjoying the motion. Loving the feeling of not being stuck in a single spot for too long.
- A refreshing shower after sweating so much at a hot yoga class. Washing away all the tension from the body and mind. Feeling at peace. Feeling satisfied and accomplished to have rejuvenated the body.
- Universities. Walking amongst university buildings. Sitting in libraries. Being in classrooms and in a study setting. Books. Enjoying the soul that inhabit universities. Feeling a deep need for a PhD.
*Pakora -> A deep-fried, savoury snack. The batter is almost always chickpea flour based. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pakora
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I like anger. Anger is not all bad. Anger says that I have something to address. Something needs resolution. Something is hurting. And most importantly, anger bloody damn well says that I am emotionally so involved in the matter to even have the courage and stamina to afford such an outburst. It looks like an eruption of flames and a gurgling ooze of lava …maybe I am erupting in a confetti of anxiety, impatience, hurriedness, attachment, care, possessiveness, envy, and mainly love. Someone caring enough just needs to examine closer. Then instead of retreating, their reaction could be a sincere willingness to understand.
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There’s unusual chatter around me. Actually, the chatter is usual. What’s unusual is this slight sense of indifference to it. My mind starts to make sense of where the person is coming from when they are saying what they are saying and how they are saying it. I start to chant “Thank you. I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” in my mind and sort of mentally start pushing the wafts of this chant in the direction of this enraged or bitter or complaining or hopelessly negative person who is ranting on around me. I feel that as long as I’m grounded, I’m good. I mentally shove that trishul* deep in the ground and imagine having roots grounded enough to not be shaken up by just someone trying to unload their flimsiness onto me. I, instead, start to write a mental biography on that person based on however long and deep I have known them for. It’s quite fun. It has made me avoid reacting by finding myself helplessly adrift in their emotional flow. Instead, I stay calm and rationally analyze the topic at hand and the person delivering it. This also alleviates resentment or judgment for this person because you understand that their lack of being grounded has left their roots all exposed and dry and catching fire with every next emotion that floats to them. So, shove that trishul or anchor a little stronger and deeper in your ground and find your being, get quiet moments, think inwardly, have moments with no thought, do something that connects you to the universe which is something that absolutely drives you. Get grounded 😉
* trishul is a long trident that used to be carried by Lord Shiva as per Hinduism. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trishula
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I feel the happiest when I’m the most liberated. Liberation to me means a labour free breath. A forehead with no tightness. Where it feels as if I’m floating in the direction of my free will instead of logic or other restraints nudging me in that direction, as it would be quicker, or this direction, as it would be emptier, or that, as it would be greener, or cleaner, or include my favourite store on the way, etc. It basically means that I can turn whichever direction, whenever I feel like or take as many or as little steps as I want, without a mental calculation or explanation. When I find myself exploring unexplored territories without fear, I taste this. True liberation. It’s then, that I truly breathe deeply and absorb it all in. My true sense of being present. Of simply being.