Writings

Let it go

Photograph credit: Gabriel Benois at vsco.com/gabrielbenois and https://unsplash.com/@gabrielbenois

All the failed promises…let it go. 

All the hollow words…let it go. 

All the unkept deadlines…let it go. 

All the untrue words…let it go.  

All the failed relationships…let it go. 

All the cancelled plans…let it go. 

All the anxious waiting…let it go. 

All the hopes broken…let it go. 

All the less than feelings…let it go. 

All the self worth doubts…let it go. 

All the blame games…let it go. 

All the piercing guilts…let it go. 

All the regrets…let it go. 

All the loneliness…let it go. 

All the teary nights…let it go. 

All the stressful pains…let it go. 

All the abuse…let it go. 

All the advantages taken…let it go. 

All the takens* for granted…let it go. 

All unanswered communications…let it go. 

All the forced interactions…let it go. 

* – not a dictionary word

Look up

Photograph credit: Brandi Redd at unsplash.com/brandi1

Everyone on their phones. All the time. Doing what ? Finding what ? What are they all looking for ? Me too. Why then, with all this searching, do I feel more lost than ever ? Am I completely complete, yet, just “feel like” that I’m not ? Is the sheer variety and quantity of information just not palatable to me ?

In this sea of data, I try to make sense of what it is that I’m after, constantly doubting my decisions. Maybe, instead of my inquisitions inwards, I get constantly pulled into these outward snapshots of the people in the whole wide world, sharing their absolute best at their absolute best time of shining. And, in the process, I’m judging and feeling less than capable in myself. Or this urge to rebut all their posts with my own, highly polished, select best, moments of glory. To quench that ego. In this whole meaningless exchange, completely overlooking what I truly want and need. No wonder I feel so lost, so often. Living for the frames, not for myself. Experiencing memorable family birthdays, all the fun parties, the soothing ocean waves, velvet lush forests, sigh worthy valleys, and all the delicious homemade and restaurant meals through my screen in place of my soul. Obviously, the experience is not the same when I look through the photos and the videos.

Sure, a few, selected captures are very helpful to save the memory. But the abnormal quantities and angles captured are a waste; do I ever see ALL those images? No, I’m not a photographer or a professional blogger; this post does not necessarily apply to professionals and serious hobbyists of the photography world. Let’s be honest, typically, the more I obsess over getting the absolute right shot (to share that moment of glory), the less present I get in THAT moment of experience.

I have experimented with varying success to take breaks from social media, and my phone in general. The experience has been undeniably introspective each time. I’ve remembered more things without reminders, I’ve reached out to more long lost connections, I’ve written more, discovered more of what my heart actually wants on the internet and outside, felt more positive and grateful towards my life, etc. I do have, however, not been the first to know about happenings around me, about trends and updates. But, I’ve been updated about the same by people unintentionally discussing them all around me. Like the old school times, word of the mouth.

So, doesn’t hurt to balance it all out by checking in with the world on the internet. But, getting sucked into it and forgetting to live my real life, now that’s a problem, for me at least.

What to do?

Photograph credit: Brandi Redd at https://unsplash.com/@brandi1

What would you do if you look within and find nothing ? Nothing. No desires. No complains. No fears. No concerns. No hopes. No regrets. No guilts. No expectations. No fantasies. No plans. Wouldn’t that scare you ? Isn’t that odd ? Finding nothing inside of you to look forward to ? To solve or to speak about? To find inspiration from or seek answers to ? What do you do if you feel hollow ? Directionless ? Lost, but not bothered that you’re lost ? Clueless, but indifferent? When not voicing your opinions is effortless? When you are ok if no one calls or messages you for days ? Because, at one point, you ignored them all and they’ve finally listened. Do you get scared and question your lack of life ? Or do you continue on, in such momentum-lacking existence ? When you’re surrounded by souls who are too broken to see your cracks.

Do I need to be this empty for higher powers to visit me and express all these truths through me, as if I’m an empty vessel ?

What do you do when you keep on staring at something as if it’s nothing ? When you continue to be appalled and then desensitized to such people’s behaviours who are deeply stuck in the layers of the worldly possessions ? Possessions of greed, impatience, judgment, making more money, collecting more things, moving more positions, posting more photos, eating more things, and attaining more powers. Where do you go to escape such surroundings ?

Cyclic

Photograph credit: Jake Hills at jakehills.com and https://unsplash.com/@jakehills

For I’m the moon. Flawed, yet irresistible. The most luminous at the end of my period. Birthing right after. And I’m the high tide. Dancing with the moon, myself. Churning great oceans in my curves.

For I’m the fruit. From sprout to nectar-dripping. Season after season.

For I’m the young monsoon. Purging dusts, old and stale. Washing up, every visit.

For I’m the wind. Screaming and howling gusty thrusts. Tumbling all that dare obstruct me. And I’m the breeze. Mild, hardly noticed. Absorbing and disappearing in your skin. Like light, lavender body lotion.

For I’m the woman. Shedding and renewing, every cycle. Starting afresh. Possessing the spell to bring change.

New Year’s

Photograph credit: Natalya Letunova at instagram.com/naletu and https://unsplash.com/@naletu

Resting my face, sideways, in the warmth, the part between the bed and the pillow. No one can take this from me. My preserved shreds of peace are for this moment. This is my oyster. All the stresses, negativities, shocks, and surprises of the day have finally passed. Like tornadoes of the ocean. I stayed shut.

The neighbours across from my bedroom’s window have beautiful, new lights for the new year. I assume I’m held through the night as I stare at them, charging myself overnight.

Heal

Photograph courtesy: Bernard Hermant at https://unsplash.com/@bernardhermant

Let your mourning be uninterrupted. It is as important as moving on. It’s where you rid yourself of the debris. If you don’t take as much time as you need to nourish yourself through your healing, how will you build new skin on bruises ? Even small, little splinters sometimes poke in surprisingly strong ways when the most trivial things bring unwanted déjà vu. Every next time that you sink low, you see leftover debris from the past. Like sunken coral reefs, except these aren’t beautiful. These are decayed, like wounds untreated. They’re painful to the touch and sight. No wonder these become, what we call, pain bodies. I first read this term in Don Miguel Ruiz’s books. So, yes, pain bodies. They cause all kinds of pains and health issues. What was emotional becomes physical. It must express and try to escape. Much of disease is unattended emotional issues. Dis-ease: not being in ease. It’s not easy to heal emotional pains completely and religiously on a timely basis. However, practices such as inward introspection and meditation give you the consciousness to find the causes and try to relieve the untreated pains from before and present. As if, you’re massaging the sore spots of your soul and rejuvenating it back to a calmer place.

Anxiety Excitement

Photograph credit: Lidya Nada at instagram.com/lidyanada and https://unsplash.com/@lidyanada

A note to self:

It’s not anxiety, it’s excitement. The way my brain and body start to buzz with energy is nothing but anticipatory nervousness, the way the stomach knots before a stage performance. The sudden way that the brain gets into a creative overdrive, coming up with too many innovative ideas to keep up with, causes a normal human reaction of skepticism and fear. It is not fear, it’s excitement. The fear is but a small test to pass before I can get to work to realize at least one of those amazing ideas that I can’t wait to dirty my hands with. The kinds that make me forget to eat and sleep. It is not anxiety, it is an almost unbearable, lunatic sensation to grasp the vibrations of all these ideas; of course it is not possible to grasp them all together. Don’t be afraid of the sensation, it is a preliminary to what lies ahead. It is an overbearing wait that my soul expresses before it can jump and view the sparkling skyline already. An organized, structured layout where all my ideas can be looked at together; coordinated, so that they are linked and one pure meaning is rising up from it all. It is not anxiety, but a sweaty, breathless moment behind the curtains, before I meet the true purpose of my life.