Photograph credit: Kinga Cichewicz at instagram.com/kinga_cich
Knots in my stomach. Stress. Work. I imagine, what’s the worst that can happen ? Finally, I feel a little sigh of relief, already, with that train of thought. So far, I’ve tried to listen to anxiety relief music, talk to a co-worker and my husband, go for a walk, eat chips, not drive in crazy traffic by waiting it out in parking lots, etc. I started to Google, “How do you make money from a travel blog?”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very pro travel-blog-as-my-main-source-of-income kind of a person. But this motivation to search was just a result of a dreaded meeting coming up at work tomorrow. So, yes, I asked myself as I sat in this parking lot slowly emptying of cars, “What’s the worst that can happen?”. “My temporary promotional assignment might not get renewed.”, “My annual production expectations might not be a favourable ‘meets’”, “I might be bumped back to my lower position.”, “It might take me long to remove this ‘do not meets’ from my performance profile.”, etc. What was a happy surprise is that all this was somehow making me relieved. No, they are not promising possibilities by any measure. But, at least the knots in my belly have a justification and it’s not all an anxious, unknown mess that’s keeping them tight. What any and all of those possibilities are promising me is a clean slate, somewhere where I can get an opportunity to start over and have my records re-written.
Sometimes, we need to fall really low to re-analyze and re-plan our path. To be able to adjust our view of where we are headed and maybe decide if we want to start climbing the same cliff at all. You know the satisfaction of cleaning a major mess is something much more satisfying than just clearing up an everyday clutter. I notice that, when my room is messy, I have no hesitation to add more mess. There’s less debating whether I can give in to my exhausted body and, just for today, not hang my clothes on the hooks but let them fall, and stay, on the floor. I give no cares when my aims to the garbage bin are royally missed. I know I will take care of it all when I take up the big cleaning task.
In a way, it’s great. I am at least saving time and energy with those little decisions of creating additional mini messes. The satisfaction when I’m fully focused and cleaning, all while being on a long overdue phone call with a friend or a motivational video playing, is great. Similarly, maybe, it’s not always a bad thing to let things sometimes just crash down all the way before we start re-building them from scratch again. It’s fresh.