Me vs. “me”

Photograph credit: Emily Lau at instagram.com/2.08_e

So how does this work? This part about not getting any attention? About not being pursued and attended to? How do you become used to not being pampered but be the one to pamper others instead? What do you do when you exhaust all tricks and dramatic ideas to attain some little temporary attention, all in vain? I drive away. No one calls. I turn my phone off and turn it on with shaking hands and a beating heart. The only message is that maybe someone is attending an event near me… I sit silently and far away for what to me seems like eons of hours which are actually a couple dozen of minutes. But no one comes to ask me how I’m doing. I have a bad day at work and retreat under my bed covers. Only to get tired of waiting and suppressing my hunger and re-appearing into the normal flow of the living room life; can’t help but notice how unnoticed all my absence has been. Doing this thing of being overly cold. Or overly bitter. Overly quiet. Or overly dramatic. At the bottom of it all, being overly sensitive. Expecting acknowledgments and praises, gratitudes and credits for pretty remarkable things that I do and also the not so remarkable things that I do. Resolution of a resolution to not be this loud at home, not be so persistent of my demands, to not be a reminder to everyone of every little task or every little health or good habit concern, to not care. Eventually giving in as they don’t invoke the kind of behaviour or words that would satisfy me. Or my ego? Which one is it? Is it me? Am I like this? Needing constant external reinforcements and reassurances confirming exactly what I believe myself to be? What is my ego? What am I made of? What’s the true me? What does the true me want, really? Why so extrinsically orientated instead of finding myself within? Wouldn’t I look down upon someone who would possess these behaviours? Hmmmm. So many questions. So little sunny days fuelling my solitary musing sessions to allow this thesis of a quest.

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