Image courtesy: Kristina Tripkovic at https://unsplash.com/@tinamosquito
I have PMS depression. And I’m sure that’s a thing. I can Google it. But I won’t bother. I know, now, that MOST of the things that we feel are uncommon aren’t uncommon.
Basically, that essentially bursts my bubble of feeling special. Also, that makes me way more accepting of my issues and feeling increased comfort to be discussing and trying to resolve it. The mere sense of acknowledgement of such sensations that we cycle through is in itself so relieving. It’s like the resistance portion is alleviated and the effort and attention can be used for being at peace with it and helping myself with it.
A major challenge is feeling torn between the two states: (1) trying to feel unimpacted if loved ones refuse or fail to understand me and (2) going through intense lonely feelings upon realizing that they aren’t understanding me. How do you answer questions like, “Why ?”, “What happened?, “Oh, you should be happy. You have everything.”, etc. It hurts when my close ones feel offended and turned off with my moods. Again, a part of me could not care less. Yet, a part of my heart is ripped away each time that they walk away. It’s like I need them, I need them oh so much. But then, I can’t find the words to ask them to stay.
So, I write. I write in the hopes that someone could understand me. But, I feel, that someone is me. When I write, I understand me a bit more. It does not lessen the depressed state when I’m in it. It just gives a clarity that’s comparable to a soothing heat pad to let go of the internal chaos.